Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
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