Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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