You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
