I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize