I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Randomize