Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
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