so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Randomize
