I'm so fucking centered right now
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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