i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
As shirtless as possible
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
