it hurts more in the daytime
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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