Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Randomize
