Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Randomize
