Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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