I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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