So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
Randomize
