Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
