party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
