i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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