This is not my ceiling
ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
