just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
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