He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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