i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
