Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Randomize
