I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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