If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
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