I think I won the penis lottery.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
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