My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
Of course I have a pirate flag
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
