why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
i barfeds in our rink
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
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