I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
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