You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
