Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
