According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
