My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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