Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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