Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Randomize
