I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
We did like every position then did it again this morning. Something about him being the little boy i used to make sand castles with just made it way hotter.
well done
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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