I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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