I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
The air taste purple.
Randomize
