some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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