and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Randomize
