Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
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