You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
