omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
