Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Randomize
