I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
