Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
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