I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
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