I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
