I wish I could teleport
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
he laminated a picture of his dick.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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