the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
