So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Randomize
