Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
