Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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