I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Why is there bacon in the couch?
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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