I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
No more Irish car bombs ever.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
