fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Randomize
