It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
